5th September 9.54pm

I am now at nuh. With mak at the side. She seemed calmer now but I don't know if it's because of the medication. According to isyak, my cousin, she was given morphine.

She is still breathing through her mouth and I think she will be calm throughout the night. The nurses had turned her and I could distinctly heard that she said "ouch". One of the very few words that I could distinctly make out out of her recently.

A different set of nurses is taking care of the ward today. I don't know the staff nurse's name though.

Having a meeting with the radiotherapy doctors tomorrow at 8.30am. Dad does not want to be in any meeting and he said that whatever the doctors want to do with Mak, go ahead.

I am glad that he left for home today. Unlike yesterday when he slept in the car through the rain and all.

That just leaves me. What shall I do? It's only 10.01pm. I don't want to leave but I need something to do. I wish Su was here. At least I would have somebody to talk to. She wanted to join me later but I told her to stay at home, seeing how tired she was today.

Slim.

Update from cina 1234 5th sep 2011

"For lunch she took only 2 spoonfuls. Then ask me to go home and bring her clothes cuz she wants to go home. Now sleeping after i gave her some milk."

Ya Allah.

Slim.

Update at 11.54pm 4 sept 2010

Update.
Dialysis successful.
Drainage of lungs successful. Less liquid is seen at the lungs.
Blood test showed an increase in heart or blood enzymes. Indicative of heart problems. Further test will be done later at 5 am.
She can swallow. But need to feed her slowly and lift her bed higher. If not she might choke.

End.

Slim.

Sleeping

Mak seems to be sleeping. She is breathing through her mouth. She
looks like a goldfish out of water.

I don't really think she is sleeping. She just don't have the energy to move.

I love her so much.

When I was down with appendicitis, she visited me everyday. I was at
sigh then. She seemed to be the only person next to me although I know
many others came.

I remembered one question that she asked me and one which I did not
answer. She asked me if it was the other way around would I do the
same for her. I remembered not answering as I thought it was a silly
question. A no brainer. Of course I will be around. That's what I
thought then.

I was hardly around. When she would be in my ward the moment I woke
up, I would only be in hers the moment I woke up. And when she would
leave when I fell asleep, I would leave after I had my dinner. Yup
that's me. Stupid me.

But this is not about me. I don't really know as to how long Mak will
be around. I am afraid.

Slim.

My mother

A lot of people has been asking me about my mother. I really don't know how to answer them. I am really thankful that such well meaning questions are asked but it's painful to answer them. I mean, hey, she is dying. How much better can she be? She is getting worse and it is painful.

Anyway, I wrote almost daily updates on my blog.

Qathirah.blogspot.com

And to you guys, thank you for reminding me that I am not alone. Liverpool fans or not.

Slim.

Mouth

My mother seems to be unable to breathe using her nose. A chest x ray has been taken but the results are not out yet.

This is the third time I am at nuh in less than 24 hrs. It is tiring, but its not about me now is it?

It seems that Mak has difficulty in swallowing. As such her food and water tend to end up in her lungs.

She had gone for a dialysis just now. Dad and keling has left for home but dad is just a matter of a phone call away.

Su is with me. I love her so much.

Keling said that Mak won't last until
Cina solemnization ceremony. I think that's a bit cruel but this is not about her too.

Nurse suggested that there will be at least one of us to accompany Mak tonight. Does that sound omen like? Who cares? It's not about her too.

It's about Mak and Allah.

Slim.

Bed

At my mom's bedside now. I have just applied tiger balm on her stomach. She seemed to have labored breathing. I have already given her two doses of her salbutamol spray.

I came back to visit her at about 2 in the morning just now. She has been asking for dad every waking hour. Dad came too. After we gave her some milk, she fell asleep. That when we left and we has sahur at simpang bedok.

She is still asking for dad and I would like to think that dad is on the way. She is having difficulty breathing again.
Slim.

Blood transfusion

Update

I have given consent for mom to be infuse with a pint of blood. Her hemoglobin level is low. 

She may develop a fever and allergies. The cancer doctor knows about this. 

The radio therapist will come tomorrow morning to assess if she needs further scan. 

Slim. 

Medication for mom's asthma has been given thus can use contrast now. If confirm cancer has spread to the brain, doc may want to proceed with radiotherapy. 50% chances of controlling the spread.

Cancer spreading to the brain could be the reason for low bp, change in behaviour.

Slim.

Asthma

Medication for mom's asthma has been given thus can use contrast now. If confirm cancer has spread to the brain, doc may want to proceed with radiotherapy. 50% chances of controlling the spread.

Slim.

Scan

Brain scan without the use of asthma very suggestive that cancer has spread to the brain. Doc will discuss with radiotherapy to confirm. If radiotherapist cannot confirm a second scan will be done, this time with the use of contrast. Reason for not using contrast in the first scan is mom's asthma.

Slim.

Doc just called.

Doc just called. Successful dialysis yesterday for 3 1/2 hrs. Bp stable. Mak is awake, able to talk

Slim.

Doc

Had a very intense discussion with the ward doctor. She said only the renal doc can make the decision. We let loose our emotions. We were told that my mom's bp needed to be more than 100. But now that it had reached 100, we were told to wait for an hour. More than an hour has passed but nothing is done.

Finally she said that the renal has been informed and will be here shortly.

Slim.

Chemotherapy

Mak called. She just had chemotherapy. She is feeling vey weak. I am heading there now.
Slim.

Mak

This is Mak, bed fed dinner by my sister. Photo taken using my ipone 3g, so its a bit sucky. She was admitted yesterday. She is frowning as the iphone is taking such along time to snap the pics. Other than that she is in good spirits. Going to bring my Nex 5 there.

Kak June my second cousin called. She cried on the phone after hearing about mak. My mother is after all her only aunt left. Ah, the sadness. I hate it.

While we were at the hospital, I was laughing and laughing as though it was just one those visits. And I don't feel sad. I mean, there are the sadness all around me, but I think I should be sadder than how I am. Its hard to feel sad, when Mak seemed to be happier and angrier. I can't help laughing whenever I am there. And it is so inappropriate, that it beats me as to why I am there in the first place.

Mak at nuh

Breaking fast at nuh.

Mak is in nuh having fluids taken out of her lungs. She is in good spirits. We told her that if she was to be administered the good medicine, she has to eat. She finished a whole serving of the fish. Of course, credit must be given to keling as she patiently mash up the fish and firmly hand fed it to Mak.

Mak's mouth bled a little just now. Anyway, after the meal, some colour came back to her face.

My dad is worried as to where he should sleep later. As he will be alone, and he is afraid of the dark. I did invite him to sleep over at my place.

Slim.

2.44

It's 2.44 am. I have just spent more than an hour reading, at my mom's house. I drove back here as I could not sleep. So, instead of wandering about in the house, I ended up at my mom's place.

Dad was already asleep and mom seemed to be sleeping soundly. Although, in her condition, its impossible to tell.

Dad managed to compete the ramp outside the main gate. I hope he will not have any problems bringing mom out in her wheel chair tomorrow.

Lots of people came today.

I need to drive back home now. Feeling very tired and sleepy.

Slim.

Going back today

After sleeping over at my mom's place for two nights already, I am heading back to my home. It's not that I am looming forward to moving away from my mother, but I need a break from the sadness that I am feeling.

My mother seems happier today, although she has an asthma attack while we breaking fast. She is fine now.

Dad brought her out of her room to watch tv with us in the living room. She still has her wits with her. She made us laugh and my dad smiled and sniggered. I bet that made his day.

I am suppose to be on the way back now. But I am waiting for my little sis to come back home.

My darling wife, told me to stay put and not leave yet. I would have left if I was on my own.

Watching a Malay movie on Suria channel now. Don't know what the movie is all about though.

Slim.

Mom, supported.

According to my father and the doc, the cancer has spread throughout her body. 

Yesterday night, she woke up and called for me. So I had to drive to Tampines. Held her hand and well, it was very emotional. She said she did not want to die yet, she wanted to see my sister's wedding through. I told her, that all this negative thoughts are like prayers. She should think about positive thoughts, so those will be her prayers. She smiled.

We thought that it was her last moments. But thankfully it was not. She still could joke even in her condition, which I thought was quite encouraging. She said, not to switch off the lights. When I asked her why, she said, that my dad would not be able to sleep in the dark. (My dad is afraid of the dark). I laugh, she asked me why I am laughing. She said that my dad is afraid that something might come and take him away. She then used my hand as a support, turned to her side and fell asleep. 

Mom

Dad called me. Said that mom was looking for me. That was at 1.08 am.

I drove to Tampines.
She told me to take care of my two sisters when she is gone. She said that she does not want to die yet. She wanted to be there when Tini gets married. I told her that every negative thoughts she had is like a prayer.

She held my hand, turn to the side and fell asleep.

Not before telling me not to switch off the lights cause dad is afraid of the dark. She still jokes.

Slim.