Ford factory.

It was just the 3 of us today. We went for a good breakfast at springleaf, rail mall. Idris first time with the plater blaster. 

The we went to the old Ford factory, a museum, to view the exhibits on Singapore's surrender. It's awesome. It's evokes emotions in me, I can feel how it was like when the war was happening.

Went for lunch at tenderbest in woodlands, and truth be told, the salt egg pasta was marvelous.

Reached home and after Idris went for aikido, I prepared dinner. Su and Idris went to makisan to take away some sushi. I fried an omelette, some shrimps and had yesterday's vegetable dish.

Very close to choosing meli's replacement. It has come to two applicants. A 46 yo and a 31 yo. Tending to favour the 46 yo but I just hope I don't regret not choosing the 31yo.

Between youth and experience I guess. I just want the home to be a fun place again. I don't want to be sad. Again.

Pic shows Idris together with a guided tour in the old Ford factory museum.

It's not as painful.

My fear has now changed focus to the fear of my son who has started to serve his national service yesterday. The house was quite not the same without him at the dining table. 

He called yesterday night, and apart from him saying he has yet to know all of his platoon mates, everything seems to be ok.

A friend's son is also in the same company as him.  Although I would rather he not go, the pain I am feeling about him is not as painful as I felt about meli leaving. That too has since abated.

He should be back by 111122. I will wait for him. 

I have said it.

Outwardly it may looked like it was said in jest but I meant it. I told her not to leave. She replied that she has to. I have done all I can. Now to move on. 

As I sat thinking about my next move in getting her replacement, I have not stop worrying for Adam. He is enlisting today. I won't be at home to see him off. Su and his grandma will be following him to camp, my alma mater, so to speak. He should be back home in less than 3 weeks.

No matter where I am, sadness and pain seems to be following me. 

Picture shows one of the many breakfast meli prepares for me for the past 7 years.

It's hurting again.

I think she knows it. I think she is avoiding the issue and me. It is hard to see her face full of dejection. I so hard it hurts. Wished I can do something about it.

Adam enlisting tomorrow. I hope I have done right by him.

Bismillah.

Hair cut

Adam went for his supposedly last hair cut before he enlist. One of the many rituals a Singaporean male has to go through.

Yesterday during dinner, she really does not look happy getting married. I don't know what it is. She would not say. It hurts knowing you can't help.

Adam made pastrami two days ago. He made it into a sandwich. He sous vide it for more than 48 hours. That boy is daring. He wants it, he will do it. I am so happy we are here to be able to give him the support. The same as to what we would do for anybody who is family.

Mak

Quite an eventful day today. Went to the cemetery to clean up mak's grave. Today managed to walk to the actual grave. Level up.

Saw various wild flowers, some by the roadside while some sprouting up from the graves itself.

The light was wonderful.

Went for breakfast at bedok corner. After which we went to pick up some pepper mint plants. Hopefully it will grow.

In the evening, we went for dinner with my sister. Tante did not join us as she was not feeling well.

I pray that meli would change her mind. But it seems she is still leaving. It would not be so bad if she seems happy. She does not look happy.

Can't stop it.

She is going back. This time I insist on it. And crack can be felt in my chest. Although I wished her the best, I wish she would not leave.

Almost done.

Science revision was done through creating a rap. Words used are the main points in the topics being taught.

Sometimes I amazed myself.

Things got excited and happy for a while. There was laughter and lots of giggling. Especially when we revised on human sexual reproduction.

But it starts to hurt again when I am here, now, alone.

All the best.

Mangoes.

Sis said she harvested some mangoes from her home grown tree. Went to her place at 6.45am.to collect. Got 3 of them.

Those damn sad love songs. I thought I was over it. I solat tahajudd to ask for guidance. Secretly I am still hoping, hoping against hope that she will stay. They way she makes my heart smile when she makes my two sons laugh, only somebody who is that close could. I guess the next step is to really start looking for a replacement.

I am still hoping she will stay. Am I still in denial? What is it that I have to accept?

Adam has gotten most of the things he needs for his enlistment yesterday. I doa that he will do good. I am worried about him enlisting. I hope I have done right by him.

Late to be home.

Su had to conduct a class. Picked her up from her  uni at about 1945. Reached home at 2030. Dinner was good. Kobis masak lemak, prawns masak Idris. Meli cooked.

Adam getting ready for his enlistment. He is going in on the 26th. I wished him well.

Ya Allah, may he not know what I experience when I was there. May the events that I lived through be replaced by something else that is more rewarding.

Felt the pain while driving to pick su up. It's heart wrenching. Need to distract myself. 

Done.

Invigilation for today's paper is done. The paper is upon 40 marks, for the p4 and 50 for the p5.

Checked airfare for meli. Shit getting real. Can't wait to go back and solat zohor.

Exams

It's 0807. Exams supposed to start at 0830. Paper not here yet.

I can't bear to look at her face.

My heart tears excruciatingly painfully and slowly everytime she look at her eyes. And it pains me more as she tries to avoid my eyes too.

I wished you the best meli. Allah has better plans for you.

Pen pal.

Joined a website to try to get penpals. Got a message from a 63 year old lady in Canada. Lets see how it goes. 

Had just send her a message and my address.

Game delayed.

Watching the Leeds vs arsenal. Match was delayed. Still at 0-0.

Done my isyak. Prayed and doa that whatever happens for meli, it will be for the, her, greater good.

Still I wished she would not leave.

Tomorrow is my students long delayed exam.

It will be English for their first paper. 

Idris won't be going to school tomorrow as it's psle marking.

Uwan wants to bring him for swimming. Lets see what will develop later.

She is leaving.

This hurts. My helper is leaving. After 7 years. I can't tell anybody less people misconstrued. I just don't think it's right for her to leave. For the reasons she is leaving for. 

She is getting married and I think that she is doing it for the wrong reasons. She hardly know the guy, she will move to Sydney with the guy. She will leave her 3 kids. The guy wants her to move with him as his wife or ex-wife was caught cheating. That is already a red flag. It seems to be all in his favour.

Her family said yes after she said yes. She can't say no now. How I wish she would just say no. 

We had advised her to either postpone or after the solemnization to come back and finished her studies. She said her future husband does not allow her to come back here.

I am so pissed.

It's like watching somebody killing herself or degrading herself and you can't do anything about it.

I hate this feeling.

When my mom passed, I knew the end was inadvertent. I have accepted it.

I cannot accept this.

It hurts. It's like my heart has been broken. It's tearing apart slowly but surely. I wished I can talk to sue about it but I don't think she will understand.

I have made many mistakes. I don't want to make another. Especially when it comes to something I feel strongly about.

But I can't do anything. Not mine to do anything with.

It's like having a daughter and having her running away with her drug addict boyfriend. My heart breaks. As a father. It hurts.

Let this be the last. I can't handle it as well.