Something happened.

Meli was crying in the car this morning. This happened after we had taken our booster shots and were driving to Changi City Point for breakfast. She started talking on the phone and started crying. I can hear her weeping and I think it affected Idris quite a bit.

She only joined us for breakfast during the last 5 mins. And that was after Adam had joined us. Adam had just booked out from his camp. She looked troubled and her eyes were swollen. Never seen her like that. As usual, we were concerned.

After checking out Clarks's shoe store, we drove back home. It was awkward on the trip back home. I stayed back in the car while the rest went up. When I reached home, I saw Su having a talk with her and I joined in.

It was to do with her upcoming wedding.

She mentioned that her aunt has been bad mouthing her. Her aunt talk about how she was wild while she was here, and that she is a loose woman. Her aunt mentioned all this to the potential husband's family. Normally, I do not think this would matter to any of us so much, if not for the fact that her own mother supported the aunt. She also mentioned that this aunt of hers is jealous of her and her family. I detect a sense of Indonesia's Sinetron drama coming along... side note (write a script) This aunt actually wanted to marry off her own daughter, but not to the same guy (huh?) Out of jealousy, this aunt of hers has been bad mouthing her every opportunity she gets. She divulged that while her mom managed to get a house, the aunt did not. A family heirloom thing. She also mentioned that Meli is marrying because of money. (from the aunt's pov, maybe thats understandable) Crazy x2.

My 2 cents were when I said, that perhaps, its her mother's way of not letting this marriage go through. Perhaps its her mother's instinct that the marriage is not in Meli's favour. Perhaps that is why she did what she did and said the things that she did. Meli was upset, saying that its not fair to her, as she is the one making the sacrifice and that now she is the one being punished (caged). Well, if its the mother way of not letting the marriage to take place, it could be her mother's way of getting her out of the cage.

Eh? So she does realise that this marriage is not to her favour. That got me upset. Why in the world would she want to go ahead with the marriage. I think she spoke too soon and now she is having second thoughts. Many second thoughts. It was as this time I blew my top.

I told her, that she told me if she did not marry, she will be considered "expired, she told me, that she is fine with leaving her children behind, she told me that her dad will be given money to start a business once she is married. This is because, once she is married, she would have to stop work, and that is unthinkable as she is currently the only bread winner. As such, it would be understandable how anybody could think about her marrying for money. 

I reminded her again, that I and Su have said that we think the marriage is a bad idea. Has she thought about her kids, the potential husband kids and everything else. I reminded her of what Su has said, since this is her third marriage, she must learn from her mistakes and come out on top. Not to demean herself or to short changed her self or even her children. 

As for the husband kids, the wives (??) will be taking care of them. Whutt? That is so typical. That is so unacceptable. You have kids and then pass it to your wives to take care and then you marry another? I asked her, whats could possibly be the reasons of this marriage for him? What does he want you to be? A maid, a helper. a sexual partner? WTH! I said, she does not even know the guy. She has never met him recently, and she is alright to go to him? Serious?

Lest one think that I am jealous, I am not. I have never been so clear headed ever since she broke the news about the upcoming nuptials. After a talk with a good friend, I know I have to let her go. She is not mine to control, although I did mentioned to her, again, that if she were my daughter, I would have locked my daughter in the room. For the past few days, I have managed to listen to sad love songs without crying and I have been good to myself, and I know what I told her today is from my head rather that from the heart. I have become less emotional.

 ----

So a few hours later. Su was asleep and I had to prepare dinner. So I called and told her that the least I can do is to share some recipe and cooking techniques so that she could it when she is over there (Sydney). I casually asked her about the potential husband's name as she has not mentioned it me or to us.

"Dia dah mati". 

And that was when I started to get emotional again. The last time she said this was when she broke up with previous suitor. I was dumbfounded. Am I supposed to be happy? Sad? I am not too sure. I know that this marriage is important to her yet its not right for her. So I am getting emotional. On one hand, this means that she will be staying, and that makes me happy. But also selfish. The past few days, instead of praying and hoping that she will stay and not leave, I have prayed that whatever decision and whichever path Meli decides to take, may Allah protect her as HE is the all knowing. He is the all giving. I have accepted that she will leave.

She seems to be happier just now, as compared to the past few days. I am happy to see her happy. Its still early. Maybe something will happened and she will change her mind again. But this time, I will already be ready.

Happy-ier

All I can say is now I can listen to sad love songs and not cry.

Thanks to a listening ear. Thanks to the all-knowing, alhamdulilah. 

There is a ghost.

Sometimes I think meli is more a drama mama than I think she led on.

Yesterday while in the kitchen, me doing laundry, I was telling her about what happened at the polyclinic. 

Suddenly, she said that yesterday night there was a ghost at the window and the ghost was crying. It is  crying because she does not want to go back. She said the ghost was crying almost the whole night.

To test her drama-ness, I said that there is a ghost in my room too, and it also has been crying and his heart is broken into shards of painful glass. 

She said, yes, it has been raining heavily this past few days.

Truth of the matter is, yes, it has been raining the past few days and we have been using the weather as an euphemism. At least I have.

Exactly this is why I think she is making a big mistake. Told Su that this mistake is hurting me as there is nothing I can do about it.

Again, I pray that is this what needs to be done, then let it be for the best for all.

Ford factory.

It was just the 3 of us today. We went for a good breakfast at springleaf, rail mall. Idris first time with the plater blaster. 

The we went to the old Ford factory, a museum, to view the exhibits on Singapore's surrender. It's awesome. It's evokes emotions in me, I can feel how it was like when the war was happening.

Went for lunch at tenderbest in woodlands, and truth be told, the salt egg pasta was marvelous.

Reached home and after Idris went for aikido, I prepared dinner. Su and Idris went to makisan to take away some sushi. I fried an omelette, some shrimps and had yesterday's vegetable dish.

Very close to choosing meli's replacement. It has come to two applicants. A 46 yo and a 31 yo. Tending to favour the 46 yo but I just hope I don't regret not choosing the 31yo.

Between youth and experience I guess. I just want the home to be a fun place again. I don't want to be sad. Again.

Pic shows Idris together with a guided tour in the old Ford factory museum.

It's not as painful.

My fear has now changed focus to the fear of my son who has started to serve his national service yesterday. The house was quite not the same without him at the dining table. 

He called yesterday night, and apart from him saying he has yet to know all of his platoon mates, everything seems to be ok.

A friend's son is also in the same company as him.  Although I would rather he not go, the pain I am feeling about him is not as painful as I felt about meli leaving. That too has since abated.

He should be back by 111122. I will wait for him. 

I have said it.

Outwardly it may looked like it was said in jest but I meant it. I told her not to leave. She replied that she has to. I have done all I can. Now to move on. 

As I sat thinking about my next move in getting her replacement, I have not stop worrying for Adam. He is enlisting today. I won't be at home to see him off. Su and his grandma will be following him to camp, my alma mater, so to speak. He should be back home in less than 3 weeks.

No matter where I am, sadness and pain seems to be following me. 

Picture shows one of the many breakfast meli prepares for me for the past 7 years.

It's hurting again.

I think she knows it. I think she is avoiding the issue and me. It is hard to see her face full of dejection. I so hard it hurts. Wished I can do something about it.

Adam enlisting tomorrow. I hope I have done right by him.

Bismillah.

Hair cut

Adam went for his supposedly last hair cut before he enlist. One of the many rituals a Singaporean male has to go through.

Yesterday during dinner, she really does not look happy getting married. I don't know what it is. She would not say. It hurts knowing you can't help.

Adam made pastrami two days ago. He made it into a sandwich. He sous vide it for more than 48 hours. That boy is daring. He wants it, he will do it. I am so happy we are here to be able to give him the support. The same as to what we would do for anybody who is family.

Mak

Quite an eventful day today. Went to the cemetery to clean up mak's grave. Today managed to walk to the actual grave. Level up.

Saw various wild flowers, some by the roadside while some sprouting up from the graves itself.

The light was wonderful.

Went for breakfast at bedok corner. After which we went to pick up some pepper mint plants. Hopefully it will grow.

In the evening, we went for dinner with my sister. Tante did not join us as she was not feeling well.

I pray that meli would change her mind. But it seems she is still leaving. It would not be so bad if she seems happy. She does not look happy.

Can't stop it.

She is going back. This time I insist on it. And crack can be felt in my chest. Although I wished her the best, I wish she would not leave.

Almost done.

Science revision was done through creating a rap. Words used are the main points in the topics being taught.

Sometimes I amazed myself.

Things got excited and happy for a while. There was laughter and lots of giggling. Especially when we revised on human sexual reproduction.

But it starts to hurt again when I am here, now, alone.

All the best.

Mangoes.

Sis said she harvested some mangoes from her home grown tree. Went to her place at 6.45am.to collect. Got 3 of them.

Those damn sad love songs. I thought I was over it. I solat tahajudd to ask for guidance. Secretly I am still hoping, hoping against hope that she will stay. They way she makes my heart smile when she makes my two sons laugh, only somebody who is that close could. I guess the next step is to really start looking for a replacement.

I am still hoping she will stay. Am I still in denial? What is it that I have to accept?

Adam has gotten most of the things he needs for his enlistment yesterday. I doa that he will do good. I am worried about him enlisting. I hope I have done right by him.

Late to be home.

Su had to conduct a class. Picked her up from her  uni at about 1945. Reached home at 2030. Dinner was good. Kobis masak lemak, prawns masak Idris. Meli cooked.

Adam getting ready for his enlistment. He is going in on the 26th. I wished him well.

Ya Allah, may he not know what I experience when I was there. May the events that I lived through be replaced by something else that is more rewarding.

Felt the pain while driving to pick su up. It's heart wrenching. Need to distract myself. 

Done.

Invigilation for today's paper is done. The paper is upon 40 marks, for the p4 and 50 for the p5.

Checked airfare for meli. Shit getting real. Can't wait to go back and solat zohor.

Exams

It's 0807. Exams supposed to start at 0830. Paper not here yet.

I can't bear to look at her face.

My heart tears excruciatingly painfully and slowly everytime she look at her eyes. And it pains me more as she tries to avoid my eyes too.

I wished you the best meli. Allah has better plans for you.

Pen pal.

Joined a website to try to get penpals. Got a message from a 63 year old lady in Canada. Lets see how it goes. 

Had just send her a message and my address.

Game delayed.

Watching the Leeds vs arsenal. Match was delayed. Still at 0-0.

Done my isyak. Prayed and doa that whatever happens for meli, it will be for the, her, greater good.

Still I wished she would not leave.

Tomorrow is my students long delayed exam.

It will be English for their first paper. 

Idris won't be going to school tomorrow as it's psle marking.

Uwan wants to bring him for swimming. Lets see what will develop later.

She is leaving.

This hurts. My helper is leaving. After 7 years. I can't tell anybody less people misconstrued. I just don't think it's right for her to leave. For the reasons she is leaving for. 

She is getting married and I think that she is doing it for the wrong reasons. She hardly know the guy, she will move to Sydney with the guy. She will leave her 3 kids. The guy wants her to move with him as his wife or ex-wife was caught cheating. That is already a red flag. It seems to be all in his favour.

Her family said yes after she said yes. She can't say no now. How I wish she would just say no. 

We had advised her to either postpone or after the solemnization to come back and finished her studies. She said her future husband does not allow her to come back here.

I am so pissed.

It's like watching somebody killing herself or degrading herself and you can't do anything about it.

I hate this feeling.

When my mom passed, I knew the end was inadvertent. I have accepted it.

I cannot accept this.

It hurts. It's like my heart has been broken. It's tearing apart slowly but surely. I wished I can talk to sue about it but I don't think she will understand.

I have made many mistakes. I don't want to make another. Especially when it comes to something I feel strongly about.

But I can't do anything. Not mine to do anything with.

It's like having a daughter and having her running away with her drug addict boyfriend. My heart breaks. As a father. It hurts.

Let this be the last. I can't handle it as well.

The 4th day.

Today is the 4th day of isolation. I think it has gotten to me. 

Today I have phlegm. 

To keep myself busy, I took my cameras and started to disinfect them. Ha ha ha.

Listening to my LPs kind of lift up the spirit some what.

Shot the pic of the xt2 using the Sony a7ii and the Samyang 45mm 1.8.

Waiting

Waiting at skgh now for the guys, Isa, hairul and riza to come. 

It seems everybody seems to be in a joyous mood even though Isa's and hairul's mom are cancer stricken.

Su and Idris went to compass one and I think they are having ice cream. I thought of having Chee cheong fun and kaffe and toast but they not available.

Decided to wear my Seiko today but I realize the hands are not that legible. So I switched to one of my vostoks.

The one with a white dial. 

Feeling not so good. 

Had one of my molar extracted yesterday and today can feel some pain coming from the other molar on the left side. 

Istigfar.

A good start

Had a great start to the day today.

Went to giant with ayah. Had breakfast with him. He paid for my thosai and teh.

Adam's fever broke and he asked for porridge. Meli, as usual will cater to his needs. 

Meeting with somebody to sign the new letter of appt later at 1500.

Awesome..

Alhamdulilah.

Fever.

Adam is having a fever. His temp is at 39 c. Did art twice and both came in negative.

I am selected to teach part time.

Alhamdulilah.